I still don’t understand why you threw away my Charles in Charge lunch box, Gertrude.

It was not! The only thing stupid was you getting rid of a perfectly good Scott Baio collectible.

I was using it! I kept my emergency pudding cups in there!

What?! Back on what?

Oh! Shit.

[Cough.] Ahem.

Welcome back to The Far Post! Let’s get caught up on the news . . .

16 Candles

Now that the UEFA Champions League has reached (around) the knockout phase, we’ll begin reporting on the competition. I’d pay a dollar to see Samantha’s underwear, but I have no time to think about matches with teams named Hafnarfjördur, Dudelangem or Rabotnicki. You know, I think I contracted Hafnarfjördur back in 1911 when I was in the French Foreign Legion – that som’ bitch itched worse than chicken pox.

Foreign Affairs

Europeans may hate our policy in the Middle East, but they sure have a hard-on for our soccer players. As long time readers and first time callers know, Brian Carroll is our boy. Still, I never would have expected him to have meaningful trials with a Bundesliga 1 team and a possible contract offer from a Ligue 1 team.

If Marseille bring him on, I’m gonna immediately pitch a reality series to France 2 based on Brian and Cisse living in a flat together. I’ll call it “The B.C.”   I’ll also get all the latest French emo bands to record songs for the warm, bonding scenes involving Cisse coloring Brian’s hair. Sooooo sweet!  But, I’ll use some sweet hip-hop for when Brian has to wash Cisse’s pimped out Dodge van.

Hungry Like a Wolff’s signing wasn’t as much of a surprise. TSV 1860 Munich loves Duran Duran!

Freddy’s trip was obvious. But, David Stokes at St. Pauli. Puh-lease!

Bend [The Rules] Like Beckham

Designated Players We’d Like to See in MLS:

  • Deco
  • Henry
  • Ronaldo – no mater how fat
  • Klose
  • Roy Makaay

No matter what players end up in MLS, lets hope they have flair and can score. ‘Cause I am sick of all these lame-ass bicycle kicks winning Goal of the Year.

More Headlines:

  • All Star Game Pictures
  • We’ve already paid for ourselves too!
  • A Win, eh?
  • Live Blogging the US Soccer Presser
  • A Night in Columbus